Dave Enjoys » ocd

Why I Talk About My Mental Health Publicly.

davemackey — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 17:58:05 +0000

Darkness Explained…

A tropical depression, somewhat similar in feeling to our internal emotions at times. Image via Wikipedia

I speak and post on a somewhat regular basis about my mental health in public forums. On Dec. 15th I wrote a status update on Facebook, “see it now with its foul stench, oozing black skin, rapacious talons. depression, a dark and vicious wraith, pulls down upon my soul…”

I don’t make these sort of dark and pained posts a daily habit, but you will see them occasionally as my status updates, read blurbs about them in my emails, and even hear me speak of them from the pulpit on a Sunday morning.

I’d like to take a few moments to explain why I have chosen to share these struggles so publicly…

It Isn’t Easy…

It isn’t because it is easier to share my struggles. In fact, the older I grow and the more responsibilities I assume – at work, at church, in the community – the less I want to be open about my struggles with others. I know there are people who judge me weak for my struggles – and that when I share them they question my ability to work or to lead. It would be easier to just clam up and pretend I wasn’t struggling – to keep my struggles silent.

For the Weak…

Yet I recognize that there are many who are weak and struggling who need permission to acknowledge their own weakness.^[1] There are many with deep inner turmoils who feel hopeless, lost, isolated, and judged…and unless someone stands up and says, “I will not be ruled by anyone’s judgments of my spirituality and ability” they will remain quiet.^[2]

For the Judgmental…

At the same time, I also know that many of those who bring the harshest judgments and incur the most guilt and disdain upon the weak and suffering are those who are most weak and suffering themselves. Oftentimes they are not even cognizant of their own weakness. Everyone else can see the flaws in their character, the weaknesses in their constitution – but they themselves are blinded, unwilling to see weakness within, choosing to highlight that which is without.^[3]

So, it is necessary to stand against them. Not against them, but against this idea – this floating conception which we all partake in, this ballroom masquerade^[4] We must stop pretending we are superhuman and instead acknowledge and wrestle with our humanity.

In the Moment…

At times I have thought about moving to a past tense form of sharing. It is true I have struggled with x, y, and z in the past and I can share with you my victory over them…but this is only a half-truth. Surely, I have learned much about conquering and resisting and coping with my weaknesses over the years and I have had many victories and many defeats.

Yet, the truth is, I still struggle. Some days are good and some days are bad. Sure, I can act as if everything is okay and you won’t know. Us OCD folks are renowned for that – our ability to perform rituals for hours each day, to suffer extreme internal mental anguish, and yet to go on functioning as if life is normal – with no one knowing any better.

I was not weak in the past – I am weak now. So, I continue to share that I am weak now…and I assume when you hear me preach you know that I speak the truth as best as I am able while recognizing that every truth I am also wrestling to make true in my own life.

[Note: I have written a second page as well which contains a few caveats and delves into some important miscellany. Look below the footnotes below for the link to page 2.]

^[1] I call these weak b/c I am weak. I would suggest we are all weak…and if we don’t recognize it, perhaps we have some self-reflection to do. ↩
^[2] At the same time, I do not want to portray myself as some hero. I know the difference it made in my life that others spoke openly about their struggles – and so I imitate them. On the other hand, I know also that revelation of my own struggles sometimes secure me understanding and wiggle room that would not be given if I simply kept these struggles internalized. Admitting our weakness provides a certain freedom to fail which can become pathological. I struggle to maintain a balance, to share my weakness for the right reasons, and to recognize when I have walked down the wrong path. ↩
^[3] And if you agree with me on this statement, then you must examine your own heart – as I am examining mine – for the truth is as we say these truth we may fall into the same hypocrisy and judgment that we disdain in others. ↩
^[4] Thank you Thousand Foot Krutch. ↩

Book: The Bride Collector (Ted Dekker).

davemackey — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 01:00:17 +0000

The Bride Collector by Ted Dekker tells the story of an FBI agent (Brad Raines) who is in rabid pursuit of a serial killer known only as The Bride Collector. In the process Brad forms an unlikely alliance with several patients of a residential mental health facility – who in their own awkward ways assist him in discovering the identity of and stopping The Bride Collector before he can kill more victims.

There are some Ted Dekker books I feel are masterful stories (Adam, Thr3e). There are some which I read but didn’t care for (Skin, House, Showdown, Saint, Sinner). There are those that seem like just another rehashing of already told tales (Boneman’s Daughters). Now it appears I must add a fourth category: the stories that are not masterful in-and-of themselves, that feel partially like a rehashing – but yet distinguish themselves for their message.

Over time Dekker’s books seem to move more mainstream and to remain less and less in the Christian thriller niche. The Bride Collector certainly feels this way, and yet it is with great conviction that Dekker portrays a message of high importance to his readers. What message? That those who are mentally ill are not so different from the rest of us. That the monsters of this world are as likely to be sane and rational as insane and that there is still bountiful humanity and intelligence in those who are maimed in some way in the mind.

I’d encourage anyone who wants a thought provoking and entertaining read about the nature of mental illness, the humanity of its suffers, and the insanity of every man to consider The Bride Collector.

P.S. I read this book on my Amazon Kindle!

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Mental Health Reading List (Part II) – OCD and AD(H)D.

davemackey — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 03:59:17 +0000

Per my introductory post, in several upcoming posts I want to discuss briefly different mental disorders and recommend a book or two that I’ve found informative. This list isn’t just for sufferers, as I mention in my early post it is my opinion that anyone who wants to be a leader (educational, religious, political, business) should familiarize themselves with the major psychological disorders. Today we will talk about OCD and ADHD.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD):

According to the National Institute of Mental Health this disorder affects 2.2 million U.S. adults each year. The NIMH defines OCD as, “…an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called ‘rituals,’ however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.”

Recommended Reading:

Rapoport, Judith L. The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Washing: The Experience and Treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Signet, 1991. 304 pp. My Comments: This book is perhaps the best volume I have ever read on OCD. Unfortunately, it is nearly eighteen years old. Here’s hoping for an updated edition in the near future! Still, its case studies are priceless in helping both those who suffer and those who don’t understand the disorder. Not to mention that Rapoport is one of the definitive experts in the field.
Crawford, Mark. The Obsessive-Compulsive Trap: Real Help for a Real Disorder. Regal Books, 2004. 168 pp. My Comments: This volume is much smaller and more recent than Rapoports’ but lacks the depth of case studies Rapoport’s book provides. Still, it covers most of the bases and is a quick read. It is written from a distinctly Christian perspective.

Attention Deficit (Hyperactive) Disorder:

ADHD is perhaps one of the more common disorders and a polarizing disorder. There is a significant number of individuals who challenge the existence of ADHD, believing it to be an excuse for behavioral and social issues. That said, it affects between 3-5% of children and over 4% of adults according to the NIMH and is Wikipedia describes it as, “is characterized by a persistent pattern of impulsiveness and inattention, with or without a component of hyperactivity.”

Recommended Reading:

Hallowell, Edward M. and John J. Ratey. Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder. Ballantine Books, 2005. 416 pp. My Comments: This volume is extremely readable and informative. Written by two M.D.’s who suffer from ADHD the volume speaks from both personal and clinical experience and covers all aspects of the disorder.
Hallowell, Edward M. and John J. Ratey. Driven To Distraction : Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood. Touchstone, 1995. 336 pp. My Comments: The original classic volume from Hallowell and Ratey on ADD. If you only want to read one book I’d recommend Delivered from Distraction, if you want to add a second…read the original volume.

Concluding Note:

Recognizing and dealing with what is wrong with ourselves can be huge. It can help us function at a higher level and enjoy life more. It can also be useful when we see these sorts of disorders in others. It can give us a sense of empathy that we might not otherwise be able to experience. The suffering caused by mental disorders while not visible is tremendous, and working together we can significantly increase our own and others overall health by getting the medical help we need and being there for one another.

Mental Health Reading List (Part I) – Introduction.

davemackey — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 23:54:38 +0000

I am fascinated by mental illness. Part of this comes from an interest in just about everything that is abnormal or unusual. Part of it comes from the constant battle to understand and improve myself. I have childhood onset obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as well as struggling with depressive episodes. I have spent years battling and learning about my disorders. That said, I am convinced that raising knowledge about mental illness, especially amongst those who are or desire to be leaders, is essential to doing things more effectively in the future than we have in the past. I am not suggesting that everyone needs to become psychiatrists or psychologists – but rather that anyone of us who wants to be a leader should seek to understand the general nature of mental illness as well as its most common manifestations.

To be mentally ill is not always (or even generally) to have a complete break with reality. Individuals such as myself (and many others) make up the majority of sufferers from mental illness. We function rather normally on a day-to-day basis. The truth is that mental illness can be extremely subtle and yet heavily damaging. As leaders we need to increase our ability to see the subtle signs of mental illness and help those we love and lead get the assistance they need from professional practitioners. This is not about taking someone who is non-functional and bringing them to a point of functioning, rather it is about taking individuals who are functioning (perhaps ourselves) and removing (or smoothing out) the roadblocks that hinder them.

Will you really meet that many mentally ill individuals? Absolutely. According to the National Institute of Mental Health over 25% of adults in the United States are suffering from a mental disorder right now. That is nearing 60 million people in the United States alone. Granted, it is around 1/4th of this number who suffer from severe mental disorders in the U.S., but this means that around 1 out of 4 individuals have at least a mild mental illness and 1 out of 16 have a serious mental illness.

In this series of blog posts my intentions is to point to some general resources on mental health that can serve as quick primers on the nature of mental disorders as well as specific resources on the most common mental disorders. I hope you will consider joining me in studying and understanding this rapidly expanding field so we can better love and lead those around us. I especially urge religious leaders to become involved in this study. As leaders we must work on our ability to differentiate spiritual and physical ailments and assist our congregants in receiving the correct assistance.

Dave Enjoys » ocd

Why I Talk About My Mental Health Publicly.

Book: The Bride Collector (Ted Dekker).

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Mental Health Reading List (Part II) – OCD and AD(H)D.

Mental Health Reading List (Part I) – Introduction.